Choosing sides.....

After my first encounter I felt empowered!  Let's say I didn't have much supervision for various reasons in my life.  So there was no one really paying attention to the path I was heading down.  (note to parents...pay attention!!!! lol)

The thing I guess that has always been true of me...even to this day, is I lead two lives.  I wanted so badly to fit in with the norm of my friends, high school, church, family, that to the outside, I was sweet, innocent, normal...seemingly just your average girl next store.  But I struggled with a side of me that felt good, felt strong, felt sexual, felt dangerous and out of control.

In high school I considered myself the "anything but" girl.  Could this girl give a blow job or WHAT!  I knew my limits. I knew I wasn't ready or willing to have sex.  There was still that strong Christian upbringing whispering in my ear that you had to save yourself.  I justified my cravings for more by saying to myself that I wasn't going "all the way".  So that is who I became.

There was a string of boys.  You could pick me apart for years I am sure....yes, I was looking for love, looking for a daddy figure, blah blah blah.  But I liked it!  So who cares!  The boys came and went, most of which started with kissing, graduated on to enjoying my tits, fingering me plenty and ended with blow jobs...always swallowing...always!

Then, the summer before my Junior year, I met a boy named Danny.  He was wild, was very experienced and was totally into me!  I remember giving him a blow job on the sidewalk next to his house!  Crazy!!!  (like I said above...parents!  watch your kids!!)  But the thing that Danny did for me was he treated me to MY first oral.  I remember a good friend told me that if it happens...just wiggle around like spaghetti.  HA!  Well I did at first...but then realized that I could enjoy it...like I had enjoyed many a fingering over the years, there was yet another way for me to be satisfied.  I can still picture his face, rising up from the edge of his bed, wet and dripping with me.

After Danny, I knew there was more. I knew there were more ways to hook a guy, ways to keep him, ways to control him and make him want me, or keep me.  I may have gotten a little ahead of myself at that point.  I think this might be where I really started to be aware of my need for men, for their attention, for their affection, for their desire.  But I was only 16 and wasn't really adept at handling it all.

I was dating or seeing or flirting, how ever you want to say it....three guys!  Oh it was fun!  It kept me happy and excited and thrilled.  But without knowing of the other two, just kind of by coincidence....they all dumped me within a few days of each other!  You could say I kind of went off the deep end.  I made a vow to myself that I would clean up my act, be the person everyone thought I was...walk the straight and narrow!

But going back to what I said about leading two lives.....

Have you seen the show House?   Great medical show.  But in this show he always says....every body lies.  And it's true!  We lie to ourselves, we lie to others...not one of us is completely truthful. There are things about us that we all hide.  I was living a lie.  I tried hard.  I dressed the part, went to church on Sunday....but inside I desired more.

You can only lie to yourself for so long......