My brain has been jumping all over the place as I sit down to write this blog each time.
Now it goes to guilt.
My first marriage lasted over 11 years. We were together just about a total of 16 years. It didn't work out. He was what I thought I needed. He was the father figure that so many of us screwed up women with horrible father's look for. He was OLDER....too much older now that I look back and not enough fun for me. But I was young and stupid and still trying to be something I thought I should be.
He asked me to marry him.....and a month before we were to be married....I cheated.
I had been faithful. For many many years. Marriage scared me. And let's be honest, I didn't really know if I could do it. I also knew I was already having doubts about who I was deep inside.
So I flirted a bit too much one day....which turned into a drink after work...which turned into me being a bit sloppy tipsy...which turned into me running my hand up his leg in the bar...which turned into him, taking me back to his room.
Which turned into MIND BLOWING throw your clothes off, bend me over, legs in the air, close the windows to hide the screaming SEX!
His name was John. And it was glorious! I had been with my almost husband for just under 5 years. Sex was good. We had our moments of it being creative and daring. But I was feeling trapped and old (even though I was only 22, he was 32). And I was tired of stuffing down that other side of me. So I let loose!
He was like crack to me that night. I couldn't get enough. I had never had such frenetic passionate crazy sex, with someone who was almost a stranger. We had worked together for a while, and it had mostly been harmless flirting, plus he knew that I was about to get married. So it took some convincing...hence the hand up the leg in the bar. (Works every time!)
I felt like I had unleashed myself. I don't even know how long it lasted. But back in the day...with no cell phones or social media, when you said you were working late, and then staying in....that was that. So I knew I had a while and he wasn't going to come looking for me. I knew he was at work and he thought I would be home in my bed. I knew he'd get off so late from work he wouldn't call and wake me up. So I let the sex go...and as I was showering after it was over, and as he was walking me to my car and kissing me good bye...I was starting to crumble inside.
Driving home was a mix of guilt and exhilaration. I was a mash up of thrill and excitement and flushed checks and wet panties.....and realizing I was a horrible person who was now a cheater! I was everything I never wanted to be. I have no doubt a few tears were shed on that ride home, but I was completly hooked on the feeling and drunk with the feeling that I could bed a man that I wanted.
Yes....I am flawed.
