I cheated.....I'm flawed

My brain has been jumping all over the place as I sit down to write this blog each time.

Now it goes to guilt.

My first marriage lasted over 11 years.  We were together just about a total of 16 years.  It didn't work out.  He was what I thought I needed.  He was the father figure that so many of us screwed up women with horrible father's look for.  He was OLDER....too much older now that I look back and not enough fun for me.  But I was young and stupid and still trying to be something I thought I should be.

He asked me to marry him.....and a month before we were to be married....I cheated.

I had been faithful.  For many many years.  Marriage scared me.  And let's be honest, I didn't really know if I could do it.  I also knew I was already having doubts about who I was deep inside.

So I flirted a bit too much one day....which turned into a drink after work...which turned into me being a bit sloppy tipsy...which turned into me running my hand up his leg in the bar...which turned into him, taking me back to his room.

Which turned into MIND BLOWING throw your clothes off, bend me over, legs in the air, close the windows to hide the screaming SEX!

His name was John.  And it was glorious!  I had been with my almost husband for just under 5 years. Sex was good.  We had our moments of it being creative and daring.  But I was feeling trapped and old (even though I was only 22, he was 32).  And I was tired of stuffing down that other side of me. So I let loose!

He was like crack to me that night.  I couldn't get enough.  I had never had such frenetic passionate crazy sex, with someone who was almost a stranger.  We had worked together for a while, and it had mostly been harmless flirting, plus he knew that I was about to get married.  So it took some convincing...hence the hand up the leg in the bar.  (Works every time!)

I felt like I had unleashed myself.  I don't even know how long it lasted.  But back in the day...with no cell phones or social media, when you said you were working late, and then staying in....that was that.  So I knew I had a while and he wasn't going to come looking for me.  I knew he was at work and he thought I would be home in my bed.  I knew he'd get off so late from work he wouldn't call and wake me up.  So I let the sex go...and as I was showering after it was over, and as he was walking me to my car and kissing me good bye...I was starting to crumble inside.

Driving home was a mix of guilt and exhilaration. I was a mash up of thrill and excitement and flushed checks and wet panties.....and realizing I was a horrible person who was now a cheater!  I was everything I never wanted to be.  I have no doubt a few tears were shed on that ride home, but I was completly hooked on the feeling and drunk with the feeling that I could bed a man that I wanted.

Yes....I am flawed.

I'm posting....sort of

My apologies for not posting more often.

My life is split in two most days.

I float between two worlds.  A world of work, dishes, ball games, checking grades, barking dogs and volunteer work.....a world that is focused on everyone else.

And a world of wanting, needing to be with men, to be desired by men....to feel sexy, to turn men on......a world that is self centered...a world that is about SEX and DESIRE and WANT and PASSION.

Do you see my problem here?

I could be typing this and at any moment my child could walk in the room and ask me to sign a permission slip, or take her to but an outfit for her dance.

Do you see what I face?

Oh how I wish I could be free to sit here at my computer daily and tell you of every hot amazing adventure I have had.  Just be assured of this....I will get there!  ;-)

It's hard living in two worlds and shutting down half of me most days...and then finding the time to relax and open up that other side of me and letting that part of me GO.  It takes time to warm up that dimmer....it's not a switch for me.

My mind wanders sometimes.  I am sure you will find this wrong or a turn on....but when I am sitting in church some Sunday mornings or at a PTA meeting, I will get a text from one of the men I have been seeing, or talking to and I will for that moment combine those two worlds.

Picture me, sitting there, all appropriately dressed, breasts buttoned in, checking my phone like any other mom at the meeting....but all the while, my pussy is starting to ache....ever so slightly begin to dampen my panties as I talk to whoever might be wanting me at that moment.

And as I look around the room...feeling ordinary in that room, and sometimes not as pretty as some of those perfect little PTA moms...I know I could leave there and go fuck a few men...and they probably aren't getting any when they get home!

Man, I am such a bitch!  For all I know...one of their husbands could be the one texting me.  

So don't worry....my worlds are hard to unravel and I will make sure I update and include all of you as much as I can, as often as I can.

xoxoxo

Skipping ahead...

It's hard to really verbalize when everything started.  But I guess my life changed when I got married again...to a man who loved my sexuality. A man who wasn't threatened by my flirting and hidden innuendos when talking with men.  A wonderful man who, for the first real time in my life, loved and appreciated every part of me, physically, mentally and sexually.  It was BLISS!

We started talking....had amazing sex all the time....experimented in many ways....starting fantasizing. Then....started doing.

We started one night with me talking to an old friend on the internet. Someone I had known from years back...high school.  Someone I knew had a crush on me, but I never felt the same.  I remember it well.....  My husband was sitting right there....and I started to flirt....dropping little hints and cute comments, bordering on sexual....it just all happened very organically, well...with a lot of wine!

My husband said for me to go for it.  So I started asking if he would ever want to get together...and possibly have a threesome.....(for the record, I knew he was married, but he said he had had other women even while married)....he said YES!

It took a while, and a lot more talking...but next time he came to town, we met for dinner. Just the three of us.  It felt like this was a first step to me really becoming a hotwife.  We had read about hotwifing, but weren't totally convinced we could actually do it and feel safe in our marriage.  So this was perfect. We could have this experience and my husband could watch another man enjoy me, and he would be near by for my comfort.

Dinner was slightly awkawrd....knowing why we were there.  But we got through it and it was good to catch up with an old friend.  We headed back to his hotel.  I was nervous, but the wine helped.  I am not even sure how it all started.  I remember kissing my husband and then walking over to my friend and kissing him....and then my clothes were off and he was all over me.  My husband was in a chair jacking off while he watched us explore each other.  It was hot....but then came the two of them together. Never in my life had I known such passion, and excitement and pleasure as having TWO men kissing and sucking and fucking and biting and licking every inch of you.  It was more than I could handle...I was outside of my body just to try to get a breath.

At one point my friend was fucking me from behind and my husband was fucking my mouth....an experience I would have the pleasure of repeating a few more times in the year ahead.  I don't even remember who came where and when other than I came over and over and over.......

I think I could get used to another mans hands on me.  And from the look on my husbands face as we climbed in the car... I think he could too!

What's next!!!

Nothing was enough......

His name was David.

I had a part time job in the local mall and he worked in the shop across from me.  He was cute, muscular, funny.....and he stared at me ALL day!

I tried....I really did. I tried to be faithful to Mike.  We were hot and heavy, everything was great.  Hell, I could make this whole blog just about all the exciting things we did.  (Don't worry, I will go back and talk about some of those.)  But David....there was something about him.  Something about the way he stared at me.  He had deep set eyes that bore through me and I was paralyzed by his gaze and wet with longing.

I couldn't control my want for me.  He knew I had a boyfriend, he had even seen him come into the store I worked at.  But I could see the jealously in his eyes...which only turned me on more.

I remember the first time I saw him leaning against my car as I walked out after work.  Damn.....

From then on, we became our own private dirty little secret.

I would drive my his house on the way to school to sneak a hug and a kiss.  On nights when I worked he waited for me and we began to explore each other.  We never "dated" we only made out in the car, or next to the car.  I would go out on a date with Mike, only to leave, already wet and satisfied to go see David.  We would kiss and I would rub his cock on the outside of his pants until he couldn't take it.  He had more restraint than I did and seemed to struggle with the cheating factor. For me, it didn't seem to bother me. That was the first time I really started to wonder what the fuck was wrong with me...I mean I really really wondered. Why did I need this guy, the excitement, the thrill, the cock!

We were lucky enough to grab some times together alone when his parents were out of the house.  We got naked fast and explored every inch of each other.  He was a wrestler and had the most amazing hard pulsating chest and arms.  His legs were so strong when they wrapped around me.  His body was so different from Mike's. I loved the variety of sexual pleasure these two completely different boys brought me.

But no one knew.  Once again, I found myself back in the same place I had been before.  Wanting to be the good little girl, but hiding the fact that I needed more, wanted more.  Nothing was enough when it came to men, and attention, and cock, and hands on me.  Nothing was enough.....

Sunday Funday....

Since I was still sold on waiting until marriage to have sex, my experimenting with Mike was high charged.

Of course, we both went to church....good Christian young people that we were, Sunday's were church day!  Until....

We found a loop hole for alone time at his parents house.

We would find out when his parents were attending church and then tell them we were going to the earlier service and then out to breakfast after.

This turned into a fun game of cat and mouse.  We would go to church long enough to show that we were there...then head back to his house....watch his parents leave and park his car in the garage.

We barely made it in the front doors some Sunday's.  Clothes off, well, mostly off some days.  Me sprawled out on the entry way floor, him down between my legs, enjoying every last drop of my cum.  Emerging wet faced from my legs, we would trade places or do 69.  His fingers filling me up on and off when his mouth wasn't.  Me, sucking his cock, using my hands to jack him off as I sucked him.

I remember one Sunday especially....

Me, on the kitchen floor, him using all of his fingers in me, but me still crying for more.  Then for fun, I had him grab a bag of red licorice off the counter and he began to put them up inside me then eat them out of me...sometimes sharing them with me.  It was hot as FUCK!  Even thinking back now it still just seemed so dirty.

It was moments like that when I would leave, panties soaked through, flushed face that I would struggle with who I was. Wishing I didn't love it so much, wishing I didn't want more all time time.  Wishing I didn't find other boys attractive still....

Wishing I didn't secretly meet with another boy every time I left his house......

He liked me....he really liked me!

I found a boy.

I liked going to parties in high school.  Hell, it was the 80's, who didn't.  Wine coolers, drunk friends, a hand full of parents who thought they were cool and held the keys.  Making out in bathrooms....it was a John Hughes come to life!  And I loved it.

One night in October, at the house of a guy I used to date the year before.....

Went with friends.....

Lost the friends....

Needed a ride home and a cute quiet boy volunteered.  That was that!

He had a sweet classic car, so we talked about his car. We were both tipsy. There is really no way he should have been driving.  I was flirting.  I didn't know him.  I just knew of him.  He was a year older, hung with the popular guys, but out of the group was the more quiet and a little more nerdy than the rest.  He hadn't had any girlfriends.... so when he dropped me off....I leaned in a kissed him like no one had before!

We began seeing each other and it was hot and heavy from the start.  His name was Mike.  I think because he hadn't had a girlfriend before...and I sure had experience...he was more than willing to take my lead.

I am not even sure if we started off slow.  I was hot and ready and needing to keep him. This was a good one and he would be the one to help me really be the person I was trying to be.  The good girl, with the good looking boyfriend with the good family.  I could hide my desires within our relationship. We could have all the hot and sexy adventures we wanted and that would be enough for me.

He loved my tits.  I loved his long thin fingers as they explored my pussy.  We got to a point where I just begged for more and more fingers until it was just a fist.  We dry fucked like rabbits in his small back seat.  Looking back now, some of the most intense orgasms I have ever had.  Hot and sweaty.  Steamed up windows, rocking car and him thrusting until he exploded in his pants.  My god those were good nights!

He loved me....I loved him. So with all the hot frantic sexual energy between us it made for a passionate year and a half.

There is a lot to talk about with Mike.  We experimented with so many things.....maybe I need to break this one into two parts!  ;-)

He was going to be the one to fix me....I was certain.....

Choosing sides.....

After my first encounter I felt empowered!  Let's say I didn't have much supervision for various reasons in my life.  So there was no one really paying attention to the path I was heading down.  (note to parents...pay attention!!!! lol)

The thing I guess that has always been true of me...even to this day, is I lead two lives.  I wanted so badly to fit in with the norm of my friends, high school, church, family, that to the outside, I was sweet, innocent, normal...seemingly just your average girl next store.  But I struggled with a side of me that felt good, felt strong, felt sexual, felt dangerous and out of control.

In high school I considered myself the "anything but" girl.  Could this girl give a blow job or WHAT!  I knew my limits. I knew I wasn't ready or willing to have sex.  There was still that strong Christian upbringing whispering in my ear that you had to save yourself.  I justified my cravings for more by saying to myself that I wasn't going "all the way".  So that is who I became.

There was a string of boys.  You could pick me apart for years I am sure....yes, I was looking for love, looking for a daddy figure, blah blah blah.  But I liked it!  So who cares!  The boys came and went, most of which started with kissing, graduated on to enjoying my tits, fingering me plenty and ended with blow jobs...always swallowing...always!

Then, the summer before my Junior year, I met a boy named Danny.  He was wild, was very experienced and was totally into me!  I remember giving him a blow job on the sidewalk next to his house!  Crazy!!!  (like I said above...parents!  watch your kids!!)  But the thing that Danny did for me was he treated me to MY first oral.  I remember a good friend told me that if it happens...just wiggle around like spaghetti.  HA!  Well I did at first...but then realized that I could enjoy it...like I had enjoyed many a fingering over the years, there was yet another way for me to be satisfied.  I can still picture his face, rising up from the edge of his bed, wet and dripping with me.

After Danny, I knew there was more. I knew there were more ways to hook a guy, ways to keep him, ways to control him and make him want me, or keep me.  I may have gotten a little ahead of myself at that point.  I think this might be where I really started to be aware of my need for men, for their attention, for their affection, for their desire.  But I was only 16 and wasn't really adept at handling it all.

I was dating or seeing or flirting, how ever you want to say it....three guys!  Oh it was fun!  It kept me happy and excited and thrilled.  But without knowing of the other two, just kind of by coincidence....they all dumped me within a few days of each other!  You could say I kind of went off the deep end.  I made a vow to myself that I would clean up my act, be the person everyone thought I was...walk the straight and narrow!

But going back to what I said about leading two lives.....

Have you seen the show House?   Great medical show.  But in this show he always says....every body lies.  And it's true!  We lie to ourselves, we lie to others...not one of us is completely truthful. There are things about us that we all hide.  I was living a lie.  I tried hard.  I dressed the part, went to church on Sunday....but inside I desired more.

You can only lie to yourself for so long......